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Codependency: Families of Those with Mental Health Disordersby Patty E. Fleener M.S.W.
I wanted to touch on codependency. It seems
like an old subject yet people are hurt by this
"condition" so often and so many of us have these
issues and are not aware. Let's review some basic codependency behaviors. What do Codependents try to do? Controls others or situations. Do they really think they can control others? Yes. Can anyone ever control others? No Do they cross our boundaries? Yes Do they mind their own business? No Do they manipulate? Yes Do they know what is best for you? Yes What do they say when we get angry with them for crossing our boundaries? I was only trying to help. What are some reasons they do this? To avoid their own issues. To get their mind off of themselves. What does Al-Anon and CoDa tell them to do? Butt out! Mind their own business. Get the focus off of them and back on their selves. What do codependents do when they can't control you? Get angry. Characteristics of Codependency ***************************** 1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you 2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you 3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain 4. My mental attention is focused on you 5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you 6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way 7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems 8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain 9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests 10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 12. I am not aware of how you feel. I am aware of how you feel 13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume 14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you 15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do 16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do 17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship 18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you 19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you 20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own 21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours Are you Codependent? Do you feel responsible for other
people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants,
needs, well-being and destiny? I recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is excellent. It has been out for several years but it has not lost any of it's value. ![]()
Visit Mental Health Matters for information and articles. Get help to find a therapist or list your practice; and Psych Forums for message boards on a variety of MH topics. Copyright © Patty Fleener, M.S.W. All rights reserved. |
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