Fear of Feeling
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
We desire to find the path to peace, joy and
freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and
secure. We know that if we do our inner work and
open to our connection with Spirit, we will feel
all of that. Yet we don't. We put it off for days
or weeks. We stay stuck in our misery or numbness.
Why? What are we so afraid of if we open to
learning about loving?
I have searched for many years for the answer to
this question. Over and over I would find myself
out of grace and joy and into anxiety and stress.
Each time it was because I failed to take care of
myself in some way.
The problem is that all feelings are in the same
box. Pain is in the same box as joy. We cannot be
putting a lid on pain without putting a lid on joy
What is the pain we are striving so hard to avoid
feeling? Most people feel a lot of pain. We feel
anxious, frightened, depressed, hurt. Since we are
often in pain, it doesn't seem to make sense that
we are, at the same time as we are feeling all
this pain, also avoiding pain. Yet that is exactly
what we are doing.
As unhappy as we may be feeling, we are avoiding
pain that we believe is even greater than the pain
we are feeling.
I have discovered that there are three feelings
which most people want to avoid at all cost:
aloneness, loneliness and helplessness.
Aloneness is what we feel inside when we are
disconnected from God. Loneliness is what we feel
when we cannot connect with another, either
because our heart is closed, their heart is
closed, or both of our hearts are closed.
Helplessness is what we would feel if, when we
want to connect with another and his or her heart
is closed, we accept that there is nothing we can
do to make them open their heart. Helplessness is
what we feel when we accept our lack of control
When we were babies and small children, we
couldn't allow ourselves to feel these feelings.
We could not have handled them and may have died
of despair. So we learned many protections to
avoid feeling these feelings.
The problem is that we still think we will die if
we feel these feelings, so we are still avoiding
them. We avoid connecting with God for fear God
will not be there and we will feel alone. We get
angry, withdraw, eat, drink, take drugs, watch TV,
get busy, overwork and so on to avoid feeling the
pain of our loneliness and helplessness.
Yet loneliness in our society is unavoidable.
There are so many people who spend their lives
with their hearts closed to avoid their pain that
it is impossible not to be around people whose
hearts are closed some of the time. If we choose
to avoid feeling our loneliness and helplessness,
then we too will close our heart. However, when we
close our heart we close down the joy too. Then we
are stuck with the anxiety, fear, depression and
hurt that is endemic in our society.
You will not die if you open to feeling your
loneliness and helplessness. It is even quite
tolerable if you hold your lonely Inner Child
(your feeling self) while bringing through love
from Spirit, for then you are not alone in your
loneliness. The willingness to feel the pain of
loneliness and helplessness opens the door to joy,
peace, and freedom. The more you open to spiritual
help in your loneliness, the more you are able to
embrace the privilege of this sacred journey of
evolving your soul. There is great joy in the
journey, even when there is loneliness!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author
and co-author of eight books, including "Do I
Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?",
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My
Kids?", "Healing Your
Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
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Copyright © Patty Fleener, M.S.W. All