for a Soul Mate?
by Kathy J. Marchack, Ph.D., P.S.
Secretly we all are looking for a Soul
Mate but most of us are afraid to ask for one. It's as
if we believe that if we shoot too high, shoot for the
most perfect person who will fulfill our wildest dreams,
that we will never find that person. So what most people
do is cave into their fears and settle for a sweetheart
who may very well be a good person, but requires too
many compromises to fulfill a meaningful relationship.
At the very least when you compromise like this you end
up living with a friend or a housemate, not with a
vibrant, romantic, intellectually stimulating partner.
What do you want?
In order to find your Soul Mate it is important that you
dispel the myth that finding such a person is
impossible. Yes it may be a lot of work to find such a
person, but the work pays off in one of the most
meaningful, loving relationships of your lifetime. It's
a long-term gain worth putting some effort into wouldn't
Along with your negative belief about finding such an
ideal person, you need to dispense with your fears of
being alone. It is far better to be alone than with the
wrong person, as anyone with a few years of unsuccessful
dating or a sour marriage can attest. Fear clouds your
judgment. It holds you back from seeking opportunities
or even noticing them for that matter. Granted, dealing
with your fears can be overwhelming. Often it is useful
to seek the help of a psychologist to help you clean up
the irrational fears and beliefs that have been guiding
your decisions so far.
Assuming that you allow yourself to believe that you can
find a Soul Mate and that you have dispensed with the
fear of being alone, you are ready to begin your search.
Make a list of the qualities you are looking for in this
person. Be as picky as you want. If he or she is to fit
nicely into your life, then you need to be specific.
Don't compromise. List everything your heart desires
from physical appearance, to political beliefs, to
leisure interests, to favorite foods. It's all
important. In fact, it is often the small details that
make or break a relationship so put them all on your
list, big and small.
After you make your list, ask yourself if this list is a
good match for you. Remember opposites attract, but the
best partners are much like ourselves. If your list
describes your opposite, you might want to rework it.
Also take note of items you desire in your sweetheart,
that you yourself have not developed fully. This list
can also be the beginning of a self improvement plan.
Once you have your list and you have allowed yourself to
shoot for the moon so to speak, ask yourself where you
are likely to meet such a person. I realize that your
highly specific list has narrowed down the playing
field, but that's the point. No more dating nice people.
Now you are searching for your match and that isn't just
anybody. Just as you wouldn't buy just any car, or move
into just any apartment, you shouldn't settle for just
any partner. You want to narrow your search to the range
of really available and desirable people for you. This
person is likely to be found in the world that you
inhabit already but specifically at the meetings,
classes, art galleries, political rallies and the like
that hold fascination for you.
To further hone your skills at self discovery and
finding the perfect Soul Mate for you it may be helpful
to meet with a psychologist. Often we have blind spots
that the therapist can help you to elicit and correct.
Also don't be shy about letting friends, family,
coworkers and neighbors know that you are interested in
meeting your Soul Mate. But make sure they understand
who you are looking for. Remember you want to spend the
rest of your life with this person, so just anyone won't
Copyright © 2002 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist
with over twenty-five years of experience as a marriage
& family therapist. Visit her website -http://www.self-helpcentral.com,
for more of her practical self-help advice. Sign up for
her free ezine for the latest self-help information and
special discounts on wellness products at http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm.
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