Looking for a Soul Mate?

by Kathy J. Marchack, Ph.D., P.S.

Secretly we all are looking for a Soul Mate but most of us are afraid to ask for one. It's as if we believe that if we shoot too high, shoot for the most perfect person who will fulfill our wildest dreams, that we will never find that person. So what most people do is cave into their fears and settle for a sweetheart who may very well be a good person, but requires too many compromises to fulfill a meaningful relationship. At the very least when you compromise like this you end up living with a friend or a housemate, not with a vibrant, romantic, intellectually stimulating partner. What do you want?

In order to find your Soul Mate it is important that you dispel the myth that finding such a person is impossible. Yes it may be a lot of work to find such a person, but the work pays off in one of the most meaningful, loving relationships of your lifetime. It's a long-term gain worth putting some effort into wouldn't you say?

Along with your negative belief about finding such an ideal person, you need to dispense with your fears of being alone. It is far better to be alone than with the wrong person, as anyone with a few years of unsuccessful dating or a sour marriage can attest. Fear clouds your judgment. It holds you back from seeking opportunities or even noticing them for that matter. Granted, dealing with your fears can be overwhelming. Often it is useful to seek the help of a psychologist to help you clean up the irrational fears and beliefs that have been guiding your decisions so far.

Assuming that you allow yourself to believe that you can find a Soul Mate and that you have dispensed with the fear of being alone, you are ready to begin your search. Make a list of the qualities you are looking for in this person. Be as picky as you want. If he or she is to fit nicely into your life, then you need to be specific. Don't compromise. List everything your heart desires from physical appearance, to political beliefs, to leisure interests, to favorite foods. It's all important. In fact, it is often the small details that make or break a relationship so put them all on your list, big and small.

After you make your list, ask yourself if this list is a good match for you. Remember opposites attract, but the best partners are much like ourselves. If your list describes your opposite, you might want to rework it. Also take note of items you desire in your sweetheart, that you yourself have not developed fully. This list can also be the beginning of a self improvement plan.

Once you have your list and you have allowed yourself to shoot for the moon so to speak, ask yourself where you are likely to meet such a person. I realize that your highly specific list has narrowed down the playing field, but that's the point. No more dating nice people. Now you are searching for your match and that isn't just anybody. Just as you wouldn't buy just any car, or move into just any apartment, you shouldn't settle for just any partner. You want to narrow your search to the range of really available and desirable people for you. This person is likely to be found in the world that you inhabit already but specifically at the meetings, classes, art galleries, political rallies and the like that hold fascination for you.

To further hone your skills at self discovery and finding the perfect Soul Mate for you it may be helpful to meet with a psychologist. Often we have blind spots that the therapist can help you to elicit and correct. Also don't be shy about letting friends, family, coworkers and neighbors know that you are interested in meeting your Soul Mate. But make sure they understand who you are looking for. Remember you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, so just anyone won't do.

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Copyright � 2002 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S. 

Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with over twenty-five years of experience as a marriage & family therapist. Visit her website -http://www.self-helpcentral.com, for more of her practical self-help advice. Sign up for her free ezine for the latest self-help information and special discounts on wellness products at http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm.

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