Importance of Medication
I'd like to discuss depression in this article for several
reasons. Obviously depression comes with the bipolar disorder. It causes extreme
psychic pain and there is a high rate of suicide resulting from this depression
for people with this disorder.
What is the use of therapy if you in the midst of a deep depression where all
you can do is vegetate?
First off, I want you to know that I am a fellow sufferer. There is no basic
difference between you and I. Some people believe that because I own a website,
that I am all well all the time. This is not true. I will say however that I am
a whole lot better in many ways as I have worked through many issues, gotten
older (43), etc. HOWEVER, what is to keep me from experiencing a deep depression
caused "from my brain" or as professionals call it, endogenous
We can read every book, go to a good therapist, etc., yet our brains remain
Let us discuss that "broken brain" and how it touches our lives. It
touches many areas of our lives - depression, mania, rage, etc. Today I choose
the subject of depression.
Depression can kill us. A few months ago, I still hadn't found the right
combination of medications to treat this depression and every day was the same.
I sat (actually I vegetated) on the couch, and obsessed about what I would write
in my suicide note. I didn't want anyone to feel responsible so I was going to
say that my disorder was at fault and I simply could no longer bear the immense
psychic pain that experienced. Each day I wondered just how long I could go on
feeling that way. The outside world ceased to exist for me. The curtains
remained drawn, I went days without showering, slept in my clothes and cried
constantly. I wondered if I could no longer take it at some point, how I was
going to end my life. It was at this point that I became very afraid. I didn't
want to die, I just wanted the pain to end. It almost felt like physically my
whole body hurt in addition to the emotional pain. I wanted to feel joy again.
The stage of depression I attempting to describe is very close to suicide. If
this level of depression would have continued, I honestly don't know how long it
would have taken for me to take my life. One thing that helped me during that
time was my strong faith in God and feeling that it would not be right for me to
commit suicide. I believed that if I was on this earth alive, God must have a
reason or He would have already taken me. I also believe that there are reasons
that we can't understand for episodes such as this. We all know we grow during
crises and perhaps my purpose is to help others through the website. Feeling
this way, helps me.
Due to my fears, I asked my husband to lock up my medication. Most of us have
quite an array of medicine, is that not right? I had quite a bit medicine that
was current and meds that I took before but kept. Tim threw those meds away and
locked up my current meds, only allowing me to take what I needed for the day.
I took a few trips to the local Crisis Center where they screen you for the
hospital. It did help to talk to the counselors but when they asked if I would
be safe that night, I knew I could promise that. I took each and every day as it
came, one day at a time.
Ok, now that I have you depressed even more, here comes the good part - the
hope. FINALLY I had my appointment with Mental Health and this time I demanded a
psychiatrist be present. (By the way, don't be afraid to fight to get well. Many
professionals don't believe you can. Be sure you are aware of your patient's
rights). I sobbed the whole time I was in the waiting room and during the whole
appointment. I couldn't help it. I begged for help and let them know I was in a
serious danger zone regarding my life.
Some med changes were made. The next day I was extremely manic, yelled and
screamed and threw cups at my husband. (For those of you who are not aware, I
have bipolar disorder in addition to the borderline disorder). This was brought
on by the small amount of antidepressant they gave me. We called Mental Health
and I was given Seroquel. Immediately I calmed down. Here is the strange part.
OVERNIGHT my depression lifted considerably. At this time in my life, it is
There is no miracle here, at least none that I can see. What happened is what I
believe will happen to you if you are experiencing depression right now. My
brain needed the right combination of medications to relieve that endogenous
depression. As you know, we are like guinea pigs and getting on the right meds
is trial and error a lot. In fact, I was considered to have "treatment
resistant depression," i.e., I felt like a hopeless case. Every person is
different and we don't all respond the same way to all medications. For
instance, Prozac is a first line drug for many borderlines for depression and
chronic anger. Many swear it has dramatically changed their lives. For me, I
tried it three different times and broke out in a horrible rash each time. I am
totally allergic to it.
Take medications to assist you with bipolar symptoms and talk to other people
with this disorder in person or on the Net and discover you are not alone, and
forgive yourself for ALL of your past experiences that your illness has caused.
Know that you didn't ask for it, didn't cause it and don't deserve it.
I wanted to share my recent experience with each and every one of you to remind
you that there is hope and that if your state of existence presently is poor,
that it can only be temporary. If it can happen to someone like me who was
labeled "treatment resistant," you can bet it will happen to you. Some
of us are luckier than others. Some find relief right away, some go a long time.
Of course I am still working on many issues, but I can work on them now because
I have finally made it out of the depression hole.
Also I want to mention that our intelligence is in no way affected by our
disorder and in fact, it seems to me that most of us are more intelligent than
the average person. Not only that, but even though we have developed destructive
ways of survival, I believe a large percentage of us are stronger than many
people because we have experienced so much turmoil. This is my opinion.
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