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Little Control Over Our Lives

I remember listening to a sermon in church once where the pastor talked about how little control we had over our lives. He said no matter what we had planned for our lives, and no matter how much we tried to control our lives, life seemed to have it's own plans.

I was as old as my late twenties when I heard that and that was news to me. I truly couldn't figure out why my life was a mess. I didn't know at that time that I had any mental health disorders. I had just figured I had made some mistakes but if I hadn't have made those mistakes my life would have been fine. 

I shouldn't have married my ex-husband so if I had married "the right one" I would have been fine, felt fine inside, not felt any misery whatsoever and would experience complete inner happiness and peace. I truly felt that way. 

So of course the answer was in "meeting the right man." Well, after one leaves college, meeting single people are a whole different story. People are not fresh anymore and in fact people like myself have been hurt and are all complex, etc. 

I met a lot of "wrong men" and of course it was by "mistake" that I met these wrong men. It had nothing to do with me because I was fine. It was just bad luck. After all, I was becoming a social worker and I was becoming healthier and healthier just by what I was learning. (snicker)

So in a nutshell the only reason my life was a mess was because I was not in a "good" relationship with a man and the way to fix that was to find one. Happiness was to be found outside of myself because inside of myself was void and empty.

Years later, now at the age of 45, I am finally, due to much recovery, in a good relationship with a man. I am happy. I am happy due to this relationship but not solely due to this relationship. If I was the person that I was before, seeking that "good relationship" I would not be attracted to this kind of "good relationship." It simply would have been too boring and I would not have been attracted to my "good man" that I have now. He is not the exciting type of man that I was attracted to at that time. I would never have dated him or given him a second look. 

So, my point was, here I am in a good relationship but that is not the answer to all my dreams as I once thought. Happiness is within, not outside. 

I have been skipping along wonderfully at my gym 4 or 5 days a week feeling wonderful! Now I have had the flu for a month and now experience sore throat on and off every other day almost. I have yet to see that gym. My husband and friends say I likely will have my tonsils taken out. Will see the ENT Dr. tomorrow. 

I did not plan this! I don't have time for this. I have to get certain sections of the website open. I do not like surgery. Actually surgery doesn't bother me, it's the going under anesthesia that I don't like - the feeling of losing control. But maybe the doc will say differently. 

But the interesting thing is, that deep inside, I am still happy. Maybe this is what normal feels like and I've felt so much misery from mental health disorders for so long that normal feels ecstatic. LOL

Update: 5/02 my husband left and now I'm single. Once again, we have little control over our lives as we think.

Update: 8/05 Even though I am remarried I remain happy by counting on myself, not my partner for happiness. Still however I ride the tides life brings.

Work on getting healthy and staying healthy as much as you can and perhaps we can "weather" life's storms better.

After finally being stabilized on medication many of us find ourselves experiencing post traumatic stress disorder due to a life of untreated bipolar disorder. More on this in another article.

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