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This is my first time on this website. I would like to tell Cindy, whose letter I read that I too have had days when I couldn't get out of bed or that I was so tired I couldn't talk. Get the help you need and if you are feeling unsafe then call your therapist or a friend immediately. I was just recently diagnosed as a rapid cycler, although I am atypical because I am never really manic, just anxious, disorganized and irritable before I crash and then I go all the way to the bottom of the pit and just want to die, I have been hospitalized twice since Dec. I am still in a state of denial about the whole thing and think if I came off all meds then I would be OK. My shrink is weaning me off of Paxil because he thinks that will make me cycle quicker. I am afraid if I do that I will want to die again. Has this happened to anyone else? I am on Neurontin. What really terrifies me is that my son has been just diagnosed with bipolar II . I feel like after reading info on this disease I am ready to give up because it is life long and doesn't sound like anyone really gets under control If anyone out there reads this and has any advice please write back I could use any info or encouragement. In Denial
I am a 32 year old female. I have been diagnosed as depressed with s. anxiety disorder/p.attacks. I have been cutting my arms again and have been refusing counseling. i have always known there was something "wrong" with me. After the diagnosis, i started researching and have found many of my inner thoughts and feelings in the site. I am going to the Dr. and agreeing to counseling tomorrow. I pray it's not bpd. as there is no cure. But in a way i would almost be relieved because then at least i would know finally what is wrong with me. I pray for us all for the strength we need.
I've been dealing with this illness, like all of you, for my entire life. My
diagnoses was only five years ago but in retrospect and with some research, i've
realized this illness has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I've been
Hospitalized , spoken to shrinks, and taken meds just as all of you have.
My name is Jennifer.
I am 19 years old, a college drop out, and not by choice. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 10. I have been taking medication since I was a child. I didn't have a hard life. I had a good family and was well loved and taken care of. I have always been a mess from hell. After years and years of counseling, and some badly needed medicating, I was finally under control for the most part. The last year of high school, I started to get mood swings, not badly, but enough to be annoying. I had a scholarship for soccer and art to the University of Saint Francis. I started going to school, and after a month I noticed something had changed. I started getting so depressed I would cry like I did when I was small, I would cry until I rocked. I couldn't go to classes. I couldn't get out of bed., and I started to stop bathing and gained weight. I quit soccer cause I hated it. My artwork became moody and angry and violent. My teachers started taking note. I was one of the most talented in school. I didn't show up for class. Then after a few days I would wake up after a nap and suddenly feel enlightened. More intelligent then everyone else. More beautiful then before. I shone, I was charming and funny, and very well liked. I made friends instantly, and then, three days later, lost them just as quick, when they would see me in another mood swing. I chalked all this up to the stress of moving away from home and money troubles. I was wrong. Soon I became a walking freak show. A variable display of insanity.
I'm not proud of it, but its who I was, and who I still am on accession. I stayed up for 56 hours at a time and slept for five hours and then would fall into a deep depression again. This happened so often, I would have mood swing like this within three hours or less. One day I was feeling so wonderful that I tried to jump into the Campus Lake for no reason at all, believing that I could walk on the water because it was a shorter distance to the art Building then the path . I tried to hide all this from my friends and parents.
It didn't work. I was a constant spinning compass. I was my own worst enemy and my fan club in one.
I was in need of help. I got some. But, to stabilize I needed allot of time. I went to the Dr and found out that I was an Utrarian rapid cycler by the end of the semester. I also found out that the medicines I was on for clinical depression still, made my cycles faster and worst. I am now trying to get my life back in order. It's so hard. SO very hard. Sometimes I wish I was someone else. I get so angry at life and myself. I feel cheated of a normal existence. I am a devout Buddhist because it is the religion/philosophy of living a "MID GROUND"
Life. But, I still struggle daily with the beast that is Bipolar. I hope in my heart that one day I will forgive myself for being as screwed up as I am, and start to love myself and trust myself a little. In the mean time. I am still up writing this at 4:00 in the morning. Peace, love and good luck to you all.
My name is Cindy. I am 34 yrs old. I have just recently been told that I may be bipolar. I was referred to a different doctor to change my medication. I started having migraine in Nov. of last year that didn't not quit. I have had them for years, but never for such long periods of time. I was put on Maxalt, Allegra, and Paxil. They seemed to get better. Recently, I almost got a divorce. I have not been sleeping or sleeping for days on end. We agreed to go to a marriage counselor. I went a day before my husband and I went. I felt that I needed to sort out my past to go further with sorting out my marriage After two sessions with the counselor, she is sending me to another doctor for bipolar. Suddenly things make sense! It is somewhat a relief to know what is wrong with me. Then, again, I am scared because of what is wrong with me. The thought of it just frightens me. I read the other postings and identify with some of them. I done some research and know that I was correctly diagnosed. I have an appt.on Aug 3rd, but I am in a bad way now. I don't sleep during the week and sleep all weekend. I can hardly move now. It is taking me forever to write this. I don't know what to do. I see the marriage counselor Friday. Today, is Monday. I don't know if I will be able to move at all by then. I pray daily for the strength to endure until I get the help I need. I know the Lord is keeping me together for now. Thanks for listening.
I have read a few of the postings to this site and can truly say I understand. I was diagnosed at 16 years of age with Bipolar I (Mixed). I am now 36 years of age and have lived with the disease more than half my life. I understand because many times I look back at my accomplishments and wonder how far I could have gone, just what would I have been. I commented once to my great husband of 14 years, "I feel that I won the gold medal in the Olympic Decathlon and I am the only one who knows it." But in truth I want people to perceive that I carry this burden well. You see I have my dignity and my pride--no one can ever take it away from me. I wish you all well and know that the journey isn't easy but the accomplishment when inner goals are achieved is the best satisfaction of all. Keep your faith!
i am exhausted all the time - mentally and physically. i can't wait to crawl into bed at night but then can't sleep past 6:00 am - i have to get out of bed to "accomplish" something. yet it never gets done. i think that if i can act perfect and caring and nurturing and normal, people will have to like me. i know that this is hurting or affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. i can't stand being alone. but all it takes is one misunderstood word and i flip out. i'm not eating much and i would very much like not to be like this.
The BiPolar Pendulum
Another childhood memory comes to me. Another revelation of who
I once was and how I once felt. A scary place for a child and a scary place for
an adult to recall. The place was in a tree in my backyard.
Bipolar Disorder Today Newsletter
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