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Emotional
Memory Management
Positive Control Over Your Memory
by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D.,
Psychologist
Adena Regional Medical Center
Chillicothe, Ohio
Every second we are alive,
our brain functions. At a very basic level it
maintains our breathing, our blood flow, our body
temperature, and other aspects that allow us to stay
alive and thinking. Emotional Memory Management , or
EMM, is concerned with the thinking part of brain
functioning. Almost every aspect of daily
functioning is directly related to our memory. As
you read this document, your brain recognizes words
and provides definitions as you read - pretty fast
operating when you think about it! While this
discussion is not concerned with reading or
word-memory, it is concerned with the manner in
which the brain pulls memory files, makes those
files, and how those files influence our daily life.
The following discussion is
based on psychological and neurological research,
combined with on-going theories regarding memory,
thought control, and therapy/counseling. Several
theories and the results of research have been
combined by the author in a manner which allows the
practical and daily use of advanced knowledge on
topics of memory and brain functioning. As research
in this area continues, the author anticipates new,
neurological definitions of previously-labeled
psychological concepts such as "the
subconscious" or the various defense
mechanisms.
While the underlying
theories are very technical, the concept is
presented in a nontechnical manner. After reading
this information, you are encouraged to practice the
techniques, be curious about how your file system
works and observe it in operation, and make the most
of the new knowledge and understanding available.
Introduction
A psychologist does not need
to inform individuals about memory, we all know what
memory is. Memory allows us to recognize faces of
old classmates, remember old songs, remember good
times and bad times, and remember important
information about events/experiences in our life.
Much like a modern-day computer, the brain stores
memories in a system of files. In the past, these
files were thought to contain only information or
data, much like the files in an office contain
patient information or file in a computer contains
words or numbers. As science advances, we are
beginning to know more about the brain and how it
stores memories.
Recent studies in neurology tell us that the files
contain not only data/information, but emotions as
well. In a manner that is still partially unknown,
the brain has the ability to store not only memories
but emotions as well - as they occurred at the time
the memory was made.
Memory files thus contain two parts, the information
about the event and the feeling we had at the time
of the event. Graphically put:
Memory file = Information + Feelings at the time
How Memories Are Made...
Throughout the day, we
experience a variety of good, bad, and in-between
experiences. A specific memory area of the brain
will hold memories for about five days, to see if
they are important. Memories that are not important
are usually "dumped" or erased after the
five day waiting period. These erased memories can
never be recovered. As an example, we don't remember
how many times we turn on a light unless it shocks
us or blows up.
A memory is stored in long-term storage or
"dumped" depending on it's emotional
value. From a neurological standpoint, emotions or
concentration releases a brain chemical, called
"calpain", that then stores the memory,
basically "memorizing" the experience
including the details (who, what, where, when, etc.)
and the emotion present at the time. This is why we
can easily memorize information in an area of
interest but have difficulty memorizing dull or
uninteresting topics. People with a
"photographic memory" are felt to have
more of this brain chemical operating or have better
control over the release of the chemical.
Thus, in reviewing the two possible brain events
that related to memory and our emotions:
Emotional Event --> Brain chemical release -->
Memory file stored. Stronger the emotional, the
longer the memory remains.
Boring Event --> Brain chemical not released
--> Five-day memory only. Memory eventually
erased over a period of time.
We can store and create
memory with data only, as when memorizing spelling
words or learning math. The brain will memorize with
frequent repetition or constant use. However, if a
memory file containing only data is not frequently
used, the memory slowly fades away. Examples: 1) Can
you calculate square root by hand? 2) Do you
remember the names of all your high school teachers
or classmates? In the second question, chances are
you can remember those who also have an EM file!
Most of us cannot remember our many trips to the
grocery store or service station. However, we will
always remember times which have a good or bad value
such as the time a store was robbed when we were
there, the time an old lady threatened us over a can
of green beans, or the time we spilled gasoline all
over our clothes in one of those self-serve pumps.
We don't remember washing our car unless that spray
wand at the car wash facility got loose and just
about gave us a skull fracture. In short, if a daily
memory does not have a strong good or bad emotional
value, it is faded out.
As years pass, we build up quite a file system. We
build up a collection of good memories and bad
memories. Our brain has the ability to pull these
memories at the drop of a hat - almost instantly. As
an example, read the following questions and watch
how fast your brain pulls the file:
1. Name some songs by the Beatles.
2. Where were you when the
space shuttle exploded?
3. Where were you when John
F. Kennedy was assassinated?
4. Who was your favorite
high school teacher?
As you can see, your brain instantly pulls a file
when a question is asked. Importantly, you have no
control over what file is pulled, how fast it is
pulled, or what is in the file. For example, younger
adults and teenagers may have no "file" on
the Kennedy assassination. They were not around at
the time or old enough to make a memory of that
experience. As an additional example, every older
adult remembers almost every detail of where he/she
was when Pearl Harbor was attacked on December 7,
1949.
Those with emotional memories can not only give you
the exact details, but a variety of random and
irrelevant details surrounding the event. This is
how powerful "emotional memory" (EM) can
be.
Those of you with a "Pearl Harbor" file
might have rapidly noted that the above date of the
attack was incorrect, it should have been 1941. If
you had a file for that date in history, you might
have immediately noted the error. When we have no
file however, our brain does not alert us to errors.
This example is used to illustrate just how fast the
brain can not only react, but notice mistakes. This
is another automatic brain activity.
How Files Affect Us...
An emotional memory file is a neurological/brain
activity. The brain makes, organizes, sorts, and
controls it's files. Remember, the file contains two
parts, information and emotion. After years of
neuropsychological research, we have come to the
following rules regarding file control. Each rule
will be explained in detail:
Rule: The brain operates on chemicals. These
chemicals produce emotional responses in the brain
and body. Just like a certain combination of flour,
sugar, butter, and other foods can combine and
produce a German chocolate cake, these chemicals
combine in our brain to produce certain moods,
reactions, and feelings.
Just like an automobile contains various fluids
(brake, window washer, transmission, oil,
anti-freeze, etc.), the brain operates on chemicals
known as "neurotransmitters". While the
subject is too technical for this paper, it is known
that these brain chemicals called
"neurotransmitters" produce various
emotional conditions. Like the oil in our
automobile, neurotransmitters have a normal level in
the brain and can be "low" or
"high" depending upon certain situations.
Some typical neurotransmitters:
Serotonin: Perhaps the most actively
researched neurotransmitter at this time, serotonin
is known to be related to depression, headaches,
sleep problems, and many mental health concerns.
When serotonin is low in the brain system -
depression and other mental health problems are
produced. Low Serotonin is also associated with
bulimia, a severe eating disorder, where the body
craves sweets and carbohydrates in a desperate
effort to raise serotonin levels. Antidepressants,
such as Prozac and Zoloft, work by increasing
serotonin in the brain. As our Serotonin level
returns to normal, our depression lifts.
Dopamine: Abnormally high levels of this
neurotransmitter in the brain produce paranoia,
excitement, hallucinations, and disordered thought
(schizophrenia). Abnormally low levels produce motor
or movement disorders such as Parkinson's Disease.
Norepinephrine: Related to anxiety and
depression, high levels in the brain produce strong
physical-anxiety manifestations such as trembling,
restlessness, smothering sensations, dry mouth,
palpitations, dizziness, flushes, frequent
urination, and problems with concentration. A
"panic attack" is actually a sudden surge
of norepinephrine in the brain.
Endorphins: Substances
produced by the body that kill pain or produce a
feeling of well-being. In marathon runners, these
substances are responsible for the "runner's
high". Also produced during pregnancy, a sudden
increase near delivery-time creates that need to
rearrange furniture, go dancing, or clean house.
The levels of these chemicals or neurotransmitters
in the brain create our mood. A chronic low level of
serotonin, as when experiencing long-term severe
stress, produces strong depression. The low
serotonin creates symptoms such as:
- Frequent crying spells
- Loss of concentration and
attention
- Early morning awakening
(about 4:00 am)
- Loss of physical energy
- Increase in thinking/mind
speed, pulling bad memories
- "Garbage"
thoughts about death, dying, guilt, etc.
- Loss of sexual interest
Emotional Memory files contain instructions for the
brain to use these neurotransmitter ingredients to
produce the mood in the file. We note that all
antianxiety, antidepressant, and antipsychotic
medications focus on changing the levels of these
chemicals in the brain.
Rule: Thoughts
change brain chemistry.
That sounds so simple but that's the way it is, with
our thoughts changing neurotransmitters on a daily
basis. If a man walks into a room with a gun, we
think "threat", and the brain releases
norepinephrine. We become tense, alert, develop
sweaty palms, and our heart beats faster. If he then
bites the barrel of the gun, telling us the gun is
actually chocolate, the brain rapids changes its'
opinion and we relax and laugh - the jokes on us.
We feel what we think! Positive thinking works. As
the above example suggests, what we think about a
situation actually creates our mood. Passed over for
a promotion, we can either think we'll never get
ahead in this job (lowering serotonin and making us
depressed) or assume that we are being held back for
another promotion or job transfer (makes a better
mood).
Rule: The
brain is constantly, every second, pulling files for
our reference. It scans and monitors our environment
constantly.
You've heard people compare
the brain to a computer. Like a computer, the human
brain has a huge database containing billions of
files (memories) for our reference. As you read this
document your brain pulls definitions of words or
phrases. As we meet people during daily activities,
the brain pulls their "file" for their
name and related information. You'll note that with
people we haven't seen for many years the brain
recognizes the face first (a talent located in the
right side of the brain) but often takes a while to
locate the name (located in the left side of the
brain). As the left-brain contains language and
speech, it's more crowded over there and processing
is a bit slower.
If we travel to another city, the brain pulls up the
map and landmarks. Additionally, if we are a
frequent traveler to that city, our journey to
Cincinnati, Ohio will pull files as we travel. Just
sit back and listen to the "file pulling"
that takes place on a trip. "Hey Mom, remember
the bathroom in that gas station from last year -
Uck!" "This is where that bad wreck was a
few years ago coming back from the beach." If
the brain recognizes something (road, building,
sign, etc.) - it pulls its' file. It's that simple.
Always on the alert and ready to pull a file, the
brain has built-in protection behaviors. People that
are shy and introverted (socially uncomfortable and
withdrawn) tell therapists that when they enter a
restaurant, people look at them, creating anxiety.
It's true. When anything enters our range of
scanning, almost like our radar range, the brain
looks at it. A person walking into a room is
"scanned" by almost everyone else, that
scanning procedure taking about two seconds. The
brains looks 1) to see if we have a file/reference
and 2) for protection. If the new individual is
odd-looking, carrying a weapon, or naked - the brain
will start a full-scan and react accordingly (long
stare, fright, or "Don't I know you?).
Individuals with physical features that are unusual
will tell us about the common "double
takes" they receive at grocery stores. At the
same time, other people may dress unusually for
exactly that reason. Some people enjoy the constant
attention and double-takes that are produced by
wearing a safety pin in your nose or coloring your
hair bright yellow.
In the bottom line, your brain is always scanning
and looking for references/files. These references
are designed to help you, as when remembering an old
friend, the location of the store in a mall, or when
remembering needed facts/details. This is an
automatic procedure, a reflex and instinct. To
override or cancel this natural/normal procedure
requires manual control. As an example, it is said
that in a "sophisticated" restaurant, you
know the diners have "class" when the
busboy loudly drops a tray of dishes - and no one
looks up! Now that's overriding the normal brain
response.
Pulling these files automatically is great - unless
they contain uncomfortable emotional memory. This is
where another rule is important.
Rule: The
emotional part of a memory begins 90 to 120 seconds
after a file is pulled.
In mental health situations, this is perhaps the
most important neurological rule. Once we pull a
file, after 90 seconds the emotional component
begins. Our mood starts to change, returning us to
the mood which was present when the file was made.
As an example, remember someone discussing the
recent death of a loved one. The first two minutes
of conversation may go well - then they become sad.
The longer the file is out (being discussed), the
more the emotional component surfaces to the point
that they will become tearful. If the file remains
out, the exact feelings made at the time of the
funeral and death will surface - they will talk
about loss, love, guilt, or whatever other feelings
are in the file.
As another example, ask someone about the biggest
fish they have caught. When the file is pulled you
will receive about two minutes of data, the where
and when. Once the memory relives the catch, the
person's eyes will widen, their energy level will
increase, they may begin arching their back as
though illustrating a tough fight, and their entire
mood and posture will move as though simulating the
reeling-in of a fish. Again, after about two
minutes, the emotional component begins to act on
our brain chemistry, changing our mood/feelings back
to that time.
Socially, imagine having a "bad file" on
an individual in the community. You are minding your
own business and shopping at Kroger's. You turn the
corner only to be confronted by Mr. X. What happens
is this - your brain immediately pulls the file, you
are somewhat confused at first, and your emotion of
anger, fear, or whatever is in the file begins to
surface. Even though you may not have seen the
individual in 10 years, the Emotional Memory (EM)
file is still active and wide-awake in your brain.
This explains how many people can say that simply
seeing an enemy or disliked person can ruin their
entire day. If the file is not properly controlled,
the mood will remain for the rest of the day.
The goal in file control is to prevent the 90 -
second emotion from coming to the surface. We all
have bad files but most people try to control them
by preventing the emotional part from bothering
them. They do this by putting the file away before
the two-minute time limit.
Rule: The brain only
allows one file out at a time.
This rule of brain operation is easy to understand.
Much like a television, VCR, or tape player, only
one channel/program/tape is allowed to operate at a
time. The brain works the same way.
As you read this paper, your brain is focusing on
information in the paper. Luckily, the brain will
focus on anything we choose, or will play any file
or tape we choose. If you suddenly decide to stop
reading this paper and watch television, your brain
will completely go along with that idea.
Also, your brain can switch files at the speed of
light. As an example, allow your brain to change
files as your read the following sentences:
1. Where was your best vacation?
2. Who is your favorite
relative?
3. Think about
the person who last died in your family.
As you read those questions, you brain immediately
pulled the files to provide you with the
information. The first two questions were rather
routine and even if the files were allowed to remain
open, would probably not cause much in the way of
emotional distress or upset. However, what about the
third file. If we allowed it to stay open, we may
start thinking about departed grandmother, parents,
or close friends. That file, after the two-minute
limit, would make us feel sad, lonely, and create
all the feelings associated with grief. Importantly,
the brain doesn't care whether it's thinking about a
departed relative or your favorite song.
Rule: The
brain doesn't care which file is active.
Like the body, the brain operates many times on
automatic. Our breathing operates the same way. We
can take control of our breathing and inhale,
exhale, inhale, and so forth. We can also ignore our
breathing, the brain will switch to automatic, and
we will breath anyway.
The brain operates the same way. It will
automatically pull files as we go about our day. As
we see fellow co-workers, friends, or neighbors, it
will automatically pull their file - that's how we
remember their name and information about them. The
brain does this automatically. Importantly however,
the brain really doesn't care which file is out.
However, the fact that the brain operates on
automatic is important to us.
When the brain operates on automatic, the files it
pulls are greatly influenced by our mood. For
example, if you are severely depressed, if your
brain is left on "automatic," it will pull
nothing but bad, trash, and garbage files. When
depressed, due to the brain chemistry involved, our
brain will automatically pick bad files to torment
us. Our brain will pull every bad file it can find,
often far back into our childhood. As long as the
depressed brain operates on automatic, it will
continue to make us miserable by pulling every file
which has guilt, depression, and a bad mood in it.
It will play a series of our "worst hits".
Remember, we can change files at will. Since the
brain really doesn't care which file is active, a
depressed mood can be changed by simply switching
the brain to manual, taking more control over our
thoughts. This is especially helpful when a bad file
is pulled accidentally. This fact will be discussed
further in this paper.
Rule: Like the files,
the brain only allows one feeling or emotion to be
active at a time.
Again, this is a simple rule if we think about it.
At any one second, the brain only allows one
feeling. We cannot be happy and sad at the same
time. As an example, it is almost impossible to be
in a "romantic" mood if you are anxious,
depressed, or fearful. In another example, pull a
file on someone you think is romantically
attractive. Get a picture of that person in your
mind. Now imagine someone throwing a large snake on
your lap. You'll notice the romance immediately
disappears and fear of the snake becomes the active
emotion.
Many people have used this brain rule to deal with
bad files. As an example, many people have bad files
on certain individuals. Suppose we have a bad file
on "John Doe." The mention of his name,
seeing him in the street, or any reference to this
man brings up a bad file which has bad feelings -
anger, hatred, resentment, etc. One way to cope with
this bad file is to place a funny name or comment on
the file label. In other words, instead of a
"John Doe" file, we now have a
"Beanie Weenie" file. You'll notice that
many divorced individuals have humorous names for
their ex-spouse. This is the same principle. If we
pull up a bad file but we have a funny name on it,
it prolongs the emotion from surfacing and allows us
to put the file away without any problem.
The fact that the brain allows only one feeling also
allows us to have great control over our moods, more
than we think. For example: A nasty neighbor calls
and harasses us for some reason. We immediately pull
the file on this neighbor, then another file as we
are upset, and end up hanging up with a mood of
anger, resentment, and an attitude of "I'll
break her face." As long as we keep her file
out during the day, our mood will be the same -
anger, resentment, and so forth. In high stress
jobs, for example, people frequently assure others
that they don't take their job home with them, that
they leave the work, briefcase, and paperwork at the
office. Importantly, while they don't take the
"work" home with them, they clearly take
the "mood" home with them. They don't
bring home the briefcase, they bring home the
irritability, tension, and high-stress feelings.
However, if we choose to change our mood, we can do
things like listen to favorite songs, look at a high
school annual, look at vacation pictures, and do
other things which will cause the brain to pull
different files which have different moods - better
moods.
Keep in mind, the brain will do anything we want: it
will allow us to be angry the rest of the day or it
will allow us to change it's mood - it simply
doesn't care.
Brain Operation and
Daily Use
In all discussions,
feelings, and activities during the day, the brain
is constantly pulling files. What feelings are
contained in those files depends on how our mood
will be that day. Files can be very helpful if we
have a lot of good files.
While good files can be helpful in terms of changing
our mood, making us feel better, or providing a
bright spot in the middle of an otherwise tough day,
bad files can strongly impair our communications
with others. Many times, a routine discussion,
debate, argument, or hassle can cause files to enter
our brain and give us difficulty.
In working with others, after a while we begin to
tell when a file is out. For example, when you hear
words such as, "Well, when I was
young...", "Just like last week...",
or "This is not the first time..." - a
file has been pulled. If we were to videotape a
discussion, we would immediately learn that all
discussion, debate, and agreement is lost when a
file comes out. This brings us to another rule:
Rule: You can't argue
with a file.
When a file comes out, it is as though we have
placed a tape in our VCR. The tape begins playing
and we hear the same discussion or feel the same
feelings over and over. Husbands and wives refer to
this sometimes as "broken record"
conversations. We get the same lectures, the same
anger, the same resentment, the same everything -
it's in the file. As an example, two people can be
discussing whether they have enough money to
purchase a lawnmower. The wife mentions using a
particular credit card - that pulls a bad file in
her husband, perhaps the "VISA" file. At
that point, the husband launches into a long story
about credit cards, high interest, harassing
letters, and so forth. When that file is opened up,
a discussion about the lawnmower becomes useless.
The way files open and close in our brain can be a
real problem with communication. While we may try to
remain business-like and focus on a topic of
discussion, we can't help but pull files. This
brings up to another rule:
Rule: Any stimulation
can pull a file.
Our body has five senses, vision, hearing, taste,
touch, and smell. A file can be pulled by any of
those senses. Example: The Vietnam combat veteran
who automatically thinks of his combat experience
when he hears a medical helicopter.
How we automatically think of high school and
related events by hearing an old song. The five
senses are very powerful when it comes to pulling
files. Something else can pull files as well.
Emotions can pull files. We must remember that the
brain is always looking for files in what we see,
hear, and what we feel. As an example, emotions
become attached to files. An adult who has had a bad
first marriage may automatically pull a jealousy
file any time his wife mentions, "I might be
late". The anxiety in that statement causes the
brain to search for a file that make sense - it
pulls up a jealousy file from the first marriage. If
the husband allows the file to stay out, he will
become insecure, jealous, and suspicious for no
reason in the present. In second marriages, bad
file-pulling is a very common yet very hazardous
activity.
Another common way that emotions pull files is in
the case of a panic attack. When an individual
suffers a panic attack, a powerful brain chemical is
released in the frontal area of the brain which
creates the panic attack. After an attack however,
we have clearly made a bad file - our brain
remembers the attack and the feelings. Months later,
we may be in a crowded store or in an emotionally
tense situation when the brain recognizes that
emotion - it's seen it before during the panic
attack. At that point, the brain immediately pulls
the "panic attack" file. If we allow the
file to stay out or pay attention to it, we are
quite likely to have another panic attack - that's
what's in the file.
Let's keep in mind that famous actors and actresses
have known this method for years. If they want to
cry on stage, they can pull a sensitive file from
their personal life and within 90 seconds, tears are
flowing. Remember: With each emotion or experience,
the brain is always searching to see if we have a
file on that topic.
Files and
Marriage/Relationships
To solve any problem, a
typical marital discussion should not last more than
10 to 15 minutes. If your going to buy a car or
discuss what to do about Aunt Gladys, it shouldn't
take a three hour discussion. Discussions that last
longer than 15 minutes usually contain files. In
discussing whether to visit Aunt Gladys over
Christmas, the discussion may start out well at
first - then we start pulling files. After three
hours of arguing, we find that we have discussed the
fact that certain relatives don't like us, that we
don't like certain relatives, that so and so is the
black sheep, and on and on. What began as a
business-like conversation has been ruined by files
that have been pulled as the discussion continued.
You'll know a file is pulled because the direction
of the discussion will not make sense. We know a
file is operating when either the content or mood
doesn't make sense to the discussion at hand.
A teenager who asks permission to go to a drive-in
movie and is suddenly met with anger, resentment,
accusations, and suspiciousness by the parent - she
has run into a severe communication block. Mother or
dad has pulled a file from their teen years - a bad
file. Again, we always know a file is out because
the content or mood doesn't fit the present
situation. We must then remember - you can't talk to
a file. People who argue with the content of a file
have as much chance as an individual who argues with
the television while a videotape is playing.
Files and Depression
As mentioned, when our
brain chemistry changes during depression, bad files
are immediately pulled, as many as we will allow.
These files will keep pulling until the automatic
file-pulling is stopped by medication or treatment,
or until we take control.
One particularly bad problem with depression is
pulling old files. Again, when we pull an old file
we relive the emotion - that's what's in the file.
We have seen cases where patients have discussed a
horrible experience from 15 to 20 years ago stating,
"I though I got over it, I guess I
didn't!" Truthfully, they have gotten over that
experience - but the file is still powerful.
Depressed individuals suffer from the "garbage
truck", that truck-load of horrible files that
prompt them to think about childhood trauma/abuse,
previous relationships and rejections, and any time
they have failed within recollection. Again, the
file makes us relive the emotions at that time. Even
20 years beyond the present, if we bring out a
horrible file, we will feel horrible.
Clients that are depressed are encouraged not to pay
attention to the various files being pulled. Again,
when a depressed brain operates on automatic, it
pulls nothing but garbage/trash. If you are
depressed, be prepared to experience a tremendous
amount of "mental garbage." Please, take
no action on that garbage.
Files and Anxiety
We have all heard of the
Guru who can change his blood pressure, slow his
heart or breathing rate, stop bleeding cuts, or
change his brain waves by meditation. As our brain
controls these physical reactions/conditions, those
experiences are possible with proper brain/thought
control. Anxiety consists of both thinking symptoms
(worry, fear, dread, anticipation of misfortune,
etc) and physical symptoms - actually more physical
than thinking! Typical physical manifestations of
anxiety include jitteriness, trembling, muscle
aches, eyelid twitch, strained facial expression,
sweating, heart pounding, dry mouth, clammy hands,
upset stomach, frequent urination, poor
concentration, and the feeling of having a lump in
your throat - just to name a few! What a deal - you
receive all the above in just one package -
"anxiety".
Anxiety can be paired with certain events, creating
a very strong file that contains both the anxious
event (public speaking, air flights, etc,) and the
physical reaction as well. When the situation is
recognized by the brain - the anxious/trauma file is
pulled - and the brain chemicals are released. It's
easy to see why files with anxiety are so powerful -
they seem to light up the entire body system from
head to toe!Files and
Physical/Mental Trauma
One of the most common
situations in which emotional memory files create
severe problems is in physical or mental trauma.
Many of us have experienced trauma in our life. Of
the people living in New York City, 85 percent have
been mugged/robbed. Studies suggest that 45 percent
of all females have been sexually molested or
assaulted in some manner. Trauma, or severe
emotional memory, can be created by physical
assaults, combat experiences, crime, death of a
loved one, viewing severe accidents, surgery, or
brush-with-death experiences.
In trauma, the brain not only memorizes everything
about the event - including the emotions - but adds
the surroundings as well. If we are assaulted in our
home, suddenly our home is no longer comfortable due
to the memories it produces. A severe automobile
accident may prompt people to quit driving
completely or develop panic attacks if they near the
site of the accident. Trauma Emotional Memory (EM)
files are perhaps the strongest emotional files and
often create long-lasting phobias or difficulties if
not properly handled.
Old Emotional Memory (EM) trauma files are often at
the heart of long-standing difficulties. Early
sexual trauma, for example, can create poor sexual
response/interest that will later affect marriages.
Physical assault can produce problems with physical
closeness many years later. While such situations
are very troublesome, we are reminded that the brain
is simply operating on automatic - there are no
"positive" files for reference. Correction
is often a matter of taking manual control of those
situations, creating new files, and "watering
down" the old files.
Rule: The brain pulls
the most recent and most powerful file first.
Imagine being stressed-out for six months, almost at
the breaking point. You decide to stop by Kroger's
to pick up some bread and milk. While in the store,
you run into someone you dislike which immediately
pulls a bad file. As you continue to see them in the
store, you keep a file out and your mood becomes
worse. At that point, your brain, already overtaxed,
kicks in with a panic attack. You feel panicky, you
begin to smother, and you feel as though you are
going to have a heart attack. You end up leaving
your groceries and running out of the store.
You have thus created a panic-attack file with a
label "Kroger" on it. Therefore, the next
time you drive by Kroger's or stop for milk, your
brain will pull the panic-attack file first. You'll
develop a feeling - "I can't go in there!"
Whenever we experience anxiety, the brain makes a
file and includes the circumstances. This is exactly
how people become agoraphobic - or become fearful of
leaving their home. Several agoraphobic patients
have areas of the town that are "off
limits" - that area of the town pulls a panic
file.
We've all heard of people who have suffered an
automobile accident and for many months later are
afraid to drive - driving pulls a horrible accident
file. Perhaps a familiar example is the popular
movie "Top Gun." After losing his best
friend in a out-of-control jet, our hero "Tom
Cruise" experiences a panic attack after a
similar event later in the movie. Fortunately for
the movie he talks his way out of the panic attack
and goes on to become the hero. Again, just about
any experience can pull a bad file and we must
protect our self from these files.
After a crisis or emotional upset, a file is made.
If that file has a strong emotional value, it will
be the first file pulled. Example: A relative by the
name of Bill dies. For many months from that point,
his death will be the first file pulled when anyone
mentions the name. To avoid the constant reminder of
sadness, when his name is mentioned we
"skip" the first file and pull other
"Bill" files, fishing trips, holidays with
relatives, etc. How to Know When A File
Is Operating
1. When a file is
accidentally pulled, the individual will almost
immediately stray off the topic of discussion. As a
listener, if you get a feeling of "What's that
got to do with this?" - you're listening to a
file. Remember, you can't argue with a file.
2. As a file contains the same information each time
it's pulled, when you hear lectures, comments, or
attacks that appear to be a "broken
record" - it's a file. When a file is pulled,
the individual will say the same things, feel the
same way, and react the same way that you heard
before. This is quite common in marital arguments
and a listener usually gets the impression,
"This is the 25th time I've heard this."
3. A file is pulled when the emotional reaction is
far above what would be expected from the situation.
A husband and wife meets an old boyfriend or
girlfriend at the supermarket. Suddenly, all the way
home, there's a gigantic reaction complete with
jealousy, suspiciousness, and anger. Somewhere, a
file as been pulled.
4. Many files begin with, "We've talked about
this before," "When I was young...,"
and so on. References to the past are almost always
related to a pulled file.
5. If the listener has the general idea that the
conversation doesn't make sense, your probably
listening to a file. Teenagers have difficulty, for
example, understanding why a simple request for
money leads into a long discussion of dad's
collecting pop bottles for money during his youth.
The key is the phrase, "When I was your
age..."
6. If you find yourself thinking about a past trauma
or bad situation, you may have an old file out and
also be depressed and stressed. When depressed or
stressed, the brain becomes our worst enemy, pulling
files that have strong negative content and making
us relive and reexperience old events. Forty-year
old women begin thinking about childhood abuse, a
mature adult tearfully recalls memories of a
horrible and violent early childhood, or an older
male suddenly thinks, feels guilty, and grieves
about his experiences in combat (WW II, Korea,
Vietnam, etc.). When the brain pulls these old files
we know brain chemistry is upset. Look for early
morning awakening, increased brain speed, and
decreased concentration as additional indicators -
but forget those files, they've already been
emotionally solved and put away those many years
ago. The brain is simply playing old Emotional
Memory (EM).
Techniques for File
Control
1. Practice paying
attention to how your file system works. If you find
yourself in a bad mood, or even happy mood, use the
approach, "What file is out?" You will
then find the file, what feeling is contained in the
file, and will then be able to have some control
over the file.
2. If a bad file starts to come out, do something
physical before the two-minute emotional release
surfaces. If someone mentions a name or you have an
event that brings up a bad file, for example,
immediately pinch your ear, touch your watch, or do
something physical that lets you know a file is out.
You may then change files mentally or even verbally.
When talking with others, we can verbally change
files by stating, "That's kind of a sensitive
topic for me, I'd rather not discuss that." The
physical action helps remind us that we have control
over these files.
3. Take a bad file and put a funny name on it - the
funnier the better. If we have people we dislike or
even hate, a funny name is helpful in controlling
the emotional content of that file. Common names
that might be used are "Bozo,"
"Beanie Weenie," "Air Head,"
etc. It is also effective to combine both the funny
name and physical action.
For example, if we call a gossip-oriented relative
"Sinus Drip", we can combine the pulling
of the file with the name and the physical action of
blowing our nose. Again, as the brain will only
allow one feeling at a time, the humor and physical
action usually is enough to kill the file.
4. Many times we go through a series of horrible
experiences, often lasting for years. These may
include bad marriages, periods of unemployment,
traumatic childhoods, and so forth. Place all those
files in one mental filing cabinet. Then place a
label on the entire cabinet, one that reflects the
condition at that time. Some clients have used such
labels as, "Wild and rowdy years,"
"My misery years," and so forth. When a
file from that period is brought up, instead of
focusing on the file and allowing the emotion to
surface, the individual thinks to himself,
"That file is from my wild and rowdy years,
it's not needed now." Lumping all files
together in one general category decreases the
emotional impact and prevents pulling specific
files.
5. Together with your spouse or significant other,
you may train each other to recognize when one file
is out. When a file pops out, a simple time-out hand
signal, a certain look, or a certain comment may
make the other person aware that a file is out at
the wrong time. This cuts down many arguments. Using
this method, couples tend to stay on-track and
discuss their concerns more at length, without being
bothered by bad files.
6. Looks for "blocks" in communication
with others. Often these emotional blocks are
actually files being pulled in response to something
the other person does. Do they sound like a
relative/friend or do they remind you of something
or some situation. Make a new file on that person.
7. Keep several good and mood-lifting files in close
memory. If a bad file is pulled during the day, you
then have good files ready to recall - and change
your mood. Many people have files about vacation or
other happy times to be used if a bad file is
pulled. Always follow a bad file with a good file -
it keeps your mood up.
8. In times of social crisis, create and rehearse a
special file to cover uncomfortable questions - a
"press release". During a
divorce/separation situation, people frequently ask
about your situation. Rather than pull up the
"divorce" file, pull up a "divorce
public relations" file that states "things
are pretty disorganized right now with us. I tell
you more as things settle down." Make the
public relations file brief, short and sweet.
9. Practice file pulling, especially good files.
Look at old pictures of happy times, high school
yearbooks, etc. Observe the number of files that are
pulled when you do this. It's amazing how much
information your memory contains.
Rule: The
Brain doesn't know if a file is real or imagined!
How can this be? The brain makes files based on
information it is given, usually through our senses
but sometimes through our thoughts. If we have a
sweetheart, being in the same room will give us that
warm, romantic feeling. However, looking at their
picture and thinking about them will do the same
thing - even though they are not present. Even
better, simply thinking about them will produce the
same feelings (pulling the same file). The brain
only reacts to the file or image, it doesn't care
how it receives that image or information, by
physical presence, by reminders (pictures), or by
"thought".
Psychologists at the University of Chicago took
three groups of basketball players. Group One
practiced foul shots each day for thirty days. Group
Two was instructed to "imagine" shooting
foul shots each day for thirty days. Group Three was
instructed to do nothing. When tested, Group One
(practicing shots) improved 24 percent. Group Three
(doing nothing) had no improvement. Group Two, the
group that only imagined shooting foul shots,
improved 23 percent yet did not physically
touch a basketball.
Why? As far as the brain knew, both groups that
practiced (real & imagined) had shot foul shots
daily but Group Two never missed! Group Two, never
missing, was given more emotional confidence by
their brain and the brain also memorized the
foul-shooting pattern as though they were on the
court. In Group One, their brain experienced the
hit-and-miss pattern of actual foul shooting which
did not build confidence.
Why mention this? We have the ability to build our
own files, even when the actual real-world
experience is lacking. Using our imagination, we can
alter files by imagining new information. If shy, we
imagine ourselves in gradually more and more social
situations, talking with friends, being in groups,
giving talks to groups, teaching, and finally being
on Johnny Carson. If we have bad files on certain
people, using our imagination, we "add"
new information to the file. We really do this
everyday. If we are wronged by someone, our anger
becomes uncomfortable to the point that we begin
imagining how guilty they must feel, how low their
life really is, and how they will be unhappy the
rest of their days. After our brain works on that
file, we eventually feel sorry for them! While the
brain does this job for us normally, we need to
hurry the process along at times.
Pick a target problem for improvement - then design,
imagine, and create a set of files to correct it. If
you have problems dealing with your supervisor at
work, imagine situations in which you first talk to
him, then gradually stand your ground in a business
manner. We can create files to help anything from
tennis backhand to social withdrawal.
Making New Files
- Since our brain can't
tell real from imagined experiences, practice making
new files to replace your old. If shy, imagine or
daydream social competency. If uncomfortable around
certain people, imagine positive meetings and
outcomes with them.
- Depressed and anxious individuals always
Changing, Destroying,
and Contaminating Old File
The brain's file system,
just like the government's files, can be ruined and
changed in many ways. One way to change a bad file
is to alter it's content, to add additional
information of your choosing - again, the funnier
the better. If you have a file where a parent is
scolding you, bring up the file, then add the fact
that the parent is only six inches tall, standing on
a desk, and shaking his/her little finger at you. We
can also take a file, review the content and
emotion, and find funny things about the file. With
some imagination, we can rewrite a file which
contained a fight or argument into something looking
like The Three Stooges. If we put laughter/humor in
the file, it changes the emotional content.
Files can also be "watered down". As an
example, thinking about bad files while our favorite
music plays in the background has a way of watering
down a file, making it lose it's emotional impact.
1. Remembering hearing a good song for the first
time on the radio and falling in love with it.
However, after hearing it 100 times during the next
month, it loses it's emotional value.
Files can be erasing by
literally boring them to death or a "watering
down" procedure. If we have the time and
opportunity, we can set aside a time for file
destruction. During the particular 15 minutes of the
day, we allow ourselves to pull up files and see
what's in them, feel some of the emotion, and
practice changing the files.
2. We can also water down files by pulling them in
different situations. If we have a bad file, pull
that file when watching TV or video, listening to
music, or when resting in the sun on the beach.
While the file is out, add observations of your
circumstances (the music, scenery, etc.) to the
file, a technique that both lowers the anxiety
present as well as spoiling the bad file.
3. Remember that humor is the best way to
contaminate a file. If a bad file is out, find
everything about the memory that is silly, humorous,
or comical. If nothing is - invent something funny
about that experience. Rehearse how things might
have happened different, in a funnier manner, than
we remember.
4. When a file is out, remind yourself frequently
that it is simply a file of your past - Where you've
been - Not where you are. We can watch movies of
World War II but we must remind ourselves that we
are not currently at war! Self-comments such as
"I'm glad I don't live that way anymore!"
or "Those sure were tough times!" are
helpful. Compare old files with your current
situation. This is helpful in old-file jealousy or
suspicion, reminding ourselves that our current
partner is not our old partner.
File Control in Special
Situations
- File control is a serious
problem in alcohol or substance abuse. Remember: the
alcohol and substance (marijuana, cocaine, etc.)
automatically create good files due to their action
on the brain. Sadly, bad files are created in the
abusers home/family due to fights, arguments, and
hangovers. Therefore, thinking of alcohol/drugs
rarely brings up a bad file to make the situation
unpleasant. In fact, talking about drinking or using
drugs usually brings a smile.
To combat this situation, those who have problems
with drugs and/or alcohol are advised to pull a bad
file when confronted with substances. This is a
common situation in those trying to maintain
sobriety. How many times have we socially heard
someone turn down a beer with "No thanks, My
wife would kill me! I'd have no job and my children
wouldn't speak to me!"
That person is using a file with a marital argument
in it to kill his previous attraction to the
substance. If people pulled up a file on their worst
hangover every time they thought of alcohol, we
might see a dramatic drop in national alcohol
consumption.
- File control is especially important in
marital/family discussions. Remembering our 90-120
second rule about emotions surfacing when a file is
pulled, marital discussions on sensitive topics are
best controlled by time-out techniques which prevent
entire files from being pulled. Couples are
encouraged to conduct business meetings with
an egg timer! A
three-minute egg timer allows each party three
minutes to state an issue, then three minutes for
the partner, and so on. The three-minute timer
prevents "files" from taking control of
the discussion is couples stick to the procedure.
- The filing system works at night too! Dreams are
often jumbled as the brain pulls files and puts them
together in our dreams. Dreams are actually a time
in which the brain sorts its' files, at the same
time pulling old files. Events during the day are
reviewed and combined with old files in our dreams.
That's why we may dream of taking a shower in the
middle of downtown Columbus! Dreams only reflect our
memory and our mood - they do not actually contain
hidden truths, warnings, or other special
information.
- Many individuals have be traumatized by assault,
death of loved ones, illness, hospitalization,
arguments, and other emotionally stressful events.
Emotional trauma produces a huge file, including the
feelings of the event. To make matters worse, those
concerned with our welfare after the trauma often
feel the need to ask us about it - pulling the file!
Trauma victims are encouraged to create several
rehearsed answers to common comments/questions, much
like the President's press secretary reads responses
from a prepared paper. The rehearsed response or
"Press Release" usually prevents the
original "bad" file from surfacing as you
are too busy recalling your rehearsed comment.
Example:
Question: "What happened to you the other
night?"
Response: "I guess things got a little out of
hand. I'm sorting things out right now and as soon
as I have all the details I'll sit down and give you
the story. I've discovered it's better not to talk
about it right now but I'm doing ok."
Trauma victims will also find that a location or set
of circumstances will almost immediately pull a
strong file. Be prepared for the "I can't go
back there" reaction, often attached to a work
site (where injured), location of the trauma in your
community, or activity ("I can stand to drive
anymore").
Importantly, remember that if you have been
traumatized - so have the people who care about you!
Your presence, phone call, or visit may pull their
files about your experience,
files containing grief, feelings of helplessness,
sadness, emotional shock, and so forth.
This is why many friends/relatives often avoid a
trauma victim or depressed friend/relative at first
- it pulls their files which contain sadness, anger,
anxiety, and feelings of helplessness. The
traumatized individual can often help by using a
rehearsed "file" which sends a signal to
loved ones that the situation and condition is being
managed.
Feeling Levels Can Pull
Files
When we see a friend in
town, the brain looks for and pull his/her file. Our
emotions work this way also. When we begin to feel a
certain feeling or when our "feeling
level" reaches a certain spot, the brain
searches for anything (a file or memory reference)
we may have for that level of feeling. The brain
basically asks the question "Have I felt this
way before?" - If so, pull the file.
The explains why many people can only reach so far
in a relationship. As they become emotionally
closer, the brain may look for a file reference.
Example:
New/current relationship
Strong feelings ----- ? (brain looks for a
reference, finds the file below)
Memory file: "First
Marriage"
Developing a Treatment
Plan
Let's suppose we have a
strong Emotional Memory (EM), perhaps the result of
an automobile accident, a childhood trauma, a
life-threatening experience, a physical assault, a
public embarrassment, or something equally
emotionally traumatic. We can develop a treatment
plan to eliminate the "emotional" part of
the memory. We can never eliminate the details of
the memory/experience - only brain damage or disease
wipes out complete memories. The goal in the
treatment of Emotional Memories (EM) is to eliminate
the emotional component - the part that causes us
emotional pain. If the emotional component/part is
taken away, we can relate the story without fear of
being upset or returning to that mood.
Keep in mind the goal with Emotional Memory (EM) -
Eliminating the emotional part of the memory.
One of the fastest and easiest ways to complete that
task is to "water down" the emotional part
of the memory. To do this, imagine having a letter
saved on a computer word processor. Each time you
retrieve the letter - it looks the same, reads the
same, and says the same thing. If we pull it up on
the computer screen, read it, then save it - nothing
has changed. This is what happens when we relate
Emotional Memory (EM) events to others without
adding to the memory or file.
What happens if we pull up that word processor
letter each day. Each time we pull it up on the
screen, we add one long sentence to the letter - a
sentence that is silly, unrelated to the letter, or
just a bit off-base - then save it again. After two
weeks we've added 14 sentences to the letter and the
original letter is now gone. It's something totally
different now. We use this technique to eliminate
emotional parts of Emotional Memory (EM).
Technique: Each
time we pull a bad Emotional Memory (EM) file, we
add something to it. A comment, a joke, a physical
gesture, etc. The brain will automatically save the
file due to the new/added parts.
Sample Treatment Plan:
Event: We have been violently
assaulted by someone.
Emotional part of the memory: The emotional
component contains fears of dying, a
fight-for-my-life feeling, panic, and severe
anxiety.
Procedure:
Each time we bring up the Emotional Memory (EM) of
the event, we add something - the funnier the
better. For example: "After that assault, I've
canceled my scheduled bout with Mike Tyson. I'm just
not up to it." or "I've decided to market
a line of assault-proof underwear. You think JC
Penneys would be interested?" or "I've
haven't had a fight like that since I used my
brother's Beatles albums as frisbees!" It's
like adding a sentence each time we review the word
processor letter - watering down the original
content over time. We can makeup or imagine part of
the event as a humorous addition, for example
"I just kept thinking during the attack, my
taxes are due!!" The reactions of others to
your humor will also be added to the file. This is
why a World War II vet can talk calmly about
horrible events during the war at the American
Legion - he's discussed it so often, in so many
different circumstances, that the emotional part has
gone. Only the details remain. In Emotional Memory
(EM), we naturally do this technique, commonly known
as "getting over it". This paper just
tells you how to do that faster and more
efficiently. Any Emotional Memory (EM) can be
approached in this manner and "watered
down".
Summary
We are a collection of
memories - that's who we are, what makes up our
personality, what controls our behaviors, and what
often produces our moods. The good Emotional Memory
(EM) is a blessing to us, remembering good times
during childhood, our favorite songs/events, and old
friends. However, we have all collected bad or often
traumatic Emotional Memory (EM) files as well. The
goal of Emotional Memory (EM) Management is to
control or eliminate the emotional part of those
files. If we can do that, our history of bad
experiences becomes just that - history. Those files
become a record of where we've been and experienced,
not something that continues to control our moods
and behaviors.
In daily living and especially during times of
stress, our memory file system is very important. It
is a system that is active every second, works
automatically, and can change our mood within two
minutes. Our office has presented the above
information with the hope that you can lower your
stress and live more effectively by controlling your
emotional memory files rather than allowing them to
control you! Remember - our emotional file system is
like our breathing, it will operate on automatic or
we can take manual control. Knowing how the system
operates allows us more control over our memories
and daily lives.
Permission by Joseph M.
Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist
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Copyright © Patty Fleener, M.S.W. All
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