Replies to Family Member Letter about Rages

Person with Borderline Personality Disorder Gives Advice

"I am a recovered person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and have some thoughts on the issue. First off, if the relationship leaves you wanting to kill yourself then you either need to get out immediately or find a way to not take the rages personally. You do not cause them, you do not deserve them and chances are that your significant other just can't control them at this time. I was pretty awful to my parents when I had BPD. I had frequent blow-ups. There is hope as I now no longer fit the diagnostic criteria in any stretch of the imagination and when I think back to those times I wonder who I was. I went through a Dialectical Behavior Therapy group for about a year and a half and committed to my recovery and here I am on the other side of it. You cannot change this person, he will need to do it himself. The only person in this world that you have power over is yourself. Know that you are a good person in your own right and that you do not need to allow this to ruin your life. It is hard to love someone and not be able to fix what needs fixing.

I would like to address some of your questions. You ask why therapists don't demand accountability. No person can "demand" anything out of anyone. My group taught us how to be accountable but it is ultimately the decision of that person, not the therapist's. Sociopathy? No, I don't believe it is. I had intense guilt over my rages but was unable to stop them. What I believe is the biggest thing that you need to do is to draw your own boundaries and stick to them. That is horribly difficult but it is so important. If you choose to stay in this relationship then when a rage happens you need to decide beforehand how you will take it. You have so many choices. You can walk away, distance yourself. You could have discussions before they happen and agree on a course of action or talk. You decide. You are not powerless to withstand this and the more you decide in a calm time the better equipped you will be when things are bad. You can stand strong against this.

I wish you all the best."

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