Replies to Family Member Letter about Rages

Recovering Person with Borderline Personality Disorder

"I have borderline personality disorder, and as much as I wish my ex-boyfriend would have stuck around for me like you're staying with your significant other, I don't think I would have begun seriously trying to get better. 

When he began to retreat from me, I began to cling ever tighter, pushing him further away! Its Ironic isn't it? It was a nasty scene and I feel awful for the psychological scars I may have left on him. But I cannot worry about that now. I have apologized and let him know I am in recovery. That is all I can do.

I had a horrible few months after we broke up. I was hitting my lowest bottom ever. I wasn't eating, drinking heavily, abusing my family and ex over the phone and threatening to kill myself. I really did want to die, but I guess I couldn't bring myself to do it, because somehow I knew it could be better. I had a therapist for a couple of years, and she said, 'Either go to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and quit drinking, or I'm sending you to rehab.'

I joined AA, have been sober a year and a half; have begun to fully understand what is wrong with me and how to "get better." It is very hard, because my family doesn't understand what is going on with me, and it is so difficult to explain to them with their old fashioned ways. But I don't think that is the point anymore. I have spent my whole life trying to "understand" everyone else and trying to get everyone else to "understand" me. That is so complicated and impossible! I've got to understand me, it is that simple. Simple does not mean easy!! I have a lot of hard work ahead, but my motto is "To Thy own self be true."

That means I take care of myself first, everybody else comes second. Period. In your heart wrenching letter, it is clear that you love the person very much. I still love my ex, but that does not mean that we are going to end up together. He has issues as well, but I know that my love will not heal or change anyone. I know it is hard, but you need to love yourself and the other person enough to let go. My boyfriend leaving me was the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I find that life is full of similar conundrums!

Personally, I am not interested in obtaining a new relationship until I am confident that I have "learned" how to cope with my overwhelming emotions in a healthy way. I am also creating in my mind what exactly I want in a mate so that I don't end up with just anybody. I hope to begin in a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) group and I just started reading "The Angry Heart" which looks to be an excellent tool for recovery. "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" was an excellent book and very helpful to me. I find that the more I talk to people about myself, especially the "ugliness", the better I feel. I am lucky to be an alcoholic, because the people in AA are wonderful and supporting. 

I am only responsible for me; You are only responsible for you. I hope you find the support you need to take care of yourself, it's out there!! 

Sincerely with Love,

A co-dependant, depressed alcoholic with Borderline Personality Disorder (but I'm getting better) ;-) LOL "

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