Replies to Family Member Letter about Rages

Person With  Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and Addiction

Hi, my name is "Susan" and I am recovering from borderline personality disorder, major depression, anxiety, and addiction. I did not rage very often, but I think I may have some suggestions for you: 

Being at the receiving end of these rages has caused me undue and undeserved stress...Repeatedly accepting dangerous behavior has led to my personal downfall. I don't know how to cope. My therapist says my reluctance to remove myself is a danger in itself. All I want to is for it to stop. Hours of introspection to try to understand how I cause these rages and how I can keep them from recurring and I am no closer to a solution.

You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for someone else�s anger or rage. 
There is a very good book �Stop Walking on Eggshells� which discusses what to do when a Borderline rages. I was very angry when I first read this book, but today I understand that the book was not written to shame those of us with BPD, but to help families to deal with and understand the disorder. 

OK now for the hard part. You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It is your responsibility to create your own safety. (As a person who had no idea of safety when I first started getting treatment in 1992, I know whereof I speak). There are options: call 911, leave the situation, set boundaries.

Can those of us who love those raging "maniacs" have any hope for a calm and happy life? What is the proper manner to handle these rages without being destroyed in one way or another? I would like to know if there is any hope at all. I would like to face my days with some joy and hope instead of hoping for death. 

If you depend on others for your feelings of self worth the raging BPD will destroy you. If you depend on others for your feelings of self worth no matter if they are borderline or not you will be destroyed. Your self worth needs to come from inside you!!! 

I have been on the fringe of self destruction and must take medication (paxil/CR{25mg} and seroquel {100 mg.) just to survive. I think there is a lot of enmeshment going on in this relationship. You said earlier you were recovering from dysthymia and post traumatic stress disorder) PTSD. I have been told by one therapist that BPD is like an ongoing form of PTSD. I wonder if you are triggering each other. I wonder how much of your feelings come from this present relationship and how much is from the past. Did you have PTSD before you got in this relationship? Does this man�s anger relate to someone who raged at you in the past?? Also, how do you know that person is causing you to take those medications?? The diagnoses you present might call for those medications whether you are with this man or not!!! 
You sound like you are very codependent, depending on pleasing others for your self esteem. You might try attending a codependency group (such as Codependency Anonymous).

I want to ask why when professionals deal with bpd's and bipolar personalities they don't demand accountability for their actions. Understanding why you do what you do and knowing a brain dysfunction causes you to act out in such a manner is only one part of understanding. Is there a chance for recovery? I have never-ever-ever-ever been to a therapist that didn�t demand accountability for my behavior. 

I also work a twelve step program where I learned that I could work the steps on the behaviors of my disorder. THERE IS HOPE FOR RECOVERY. I�m a lot better than I used to be. I can take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I know when to ask for help, and when it is time to go to the hospital. I have friendships today. I have learned that if I ask for what I need, and express my feelings before they turn into rage, I don�t rage. I have learned to stand up for my thoughts and beliefs, even with my biological family. I am not completely recovered. I still have to work on issues. I have to remember that I feel things more intensely than other people. I have to remember that when I feel hurt or angry, It is my thinking that makes that person seem good or bad, and it may not be reality. 

Also, is BPD/bipolar disorder reflect a form of sociopathy? Is the refusal to accept that the "raging manias" are not tolerable in society a common thought for BPDS/bipolars? I would love to continue to love my raging maniac without wanting to kill myself. I would love to find a manner for us both to recover. How I would hate to leave him with the idea that he caused my severe depression, physical ailments deriving from stress and my ultimate death at my own hand. And even if I could not control my pain and relief from the angst will he feel anything other than how my pain caused him pain? Is there any hope?" Read numbers 1-7 again, they answer this question.

I say none of this to hurt you. I�m sorry if it is too blunt for you. It is said in love, from someone who has had to work VERY HARD to get where I am today. I wish you the best, 

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