Replies to Family Member Letter about Rages

Person With Borderline Personality Disorder and Cyclothymia

I don't know all of your situation, but all I can say is "whew!".  I am Borderline and Cyclothymic and I know that I put my mate through hell (and back) on a daily basis and it's not fair to him, especially as he suffers from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Gulf War Vet).

When I am non-compliant with my medication (Wellbutrin and Lithium SR), I am depressed and angry...wanting to hurt him every chance I get so he can be miserable like me.  I don't mean to do it, but I want him to know how I feel, I want him to help me stop feeling that way.  It is my cry for help.

When I AM compliant with my medication, I am bouncing around with feelings ranging from numb, happy or irritable.  He goes from being miserable to not knowing who or what to expect.  I know it is not fair to him, but it is like I cannot control it.  I can wake up in the morning thinking loving thoughts about him and in a split second (maybe he forget to take the trash out or forgot to close the lid on the toilet) I have flipped, which leads into arguing and me being very verbally abusive towards him.

I have a hard time dealing with people when they do something that "bothers" me.  I internalized so many things for 20 years that I have problems expressing myself.  Either I avoid any further interactions/communication or I explode! EVERYTHING is an issue....no matter how small it is, it is a big thing to me.

My L.C.S.W specializes in dealing with Borderlines and we did cognitive therapy which helped me to stop taking sharp instruments and scalping myself.  However, it seems that every time I see her, I have some new crisis to talk about...which is good, because I get a chance to reflect on my behaviors, but when faced with a similar crisis I carry out the same behaviors.  It's not that I don't care, or I don't want to get better...it is so hard.  There are times when I am successful in dealing with things and something comes along, tips the scales in the wrong direction, and I am back to my "normal" self.

It is so hard taking medication and still behaving the same way, only not depressed or hypomanic. I think that is what is hardest for my mate to accept because he often inquires if I am taking my meds.  He feels that he can never do anything right and is confused by my loving words but agitated behaviors and verbal abuse.  It is hard to apologize for things I say, because there is some truth to what I say (in regards to my feelings about him at that particular moment), however I say it in such a degrading manner.  It is only because he loves me that he is still here and has "accepted" the fact that I "flip" out at any time, without a moment's notice.

From what I hear, there is no "cure" for people with borderline personality disorder....just CONSTANT (redundant) learning of coping skills.  I say redundant because I get tired of hearing how to cope...I know how to cope, I try to cope...I just can't and tend to explode.  I would love if I could pop a pill everyday to not experience BPD, but that just isn't so. 

Will you be ever be happy with your mate?  It would seem that your relationship is taking a toll on your health.  You have to be able to get out before you lose yourself.  You must separate yourself entirely and get yourself together.  Your mate is going to be fine...trust me.  No matter what, one thing I can say about Borderlines is that we are survivors, even if self-destructive. You are not good for anyone if you are "broken" yourself and you have an opportunity to "fix" yourself, something I may never get the chance to do.  I would love to be able to say "YES!!! You will be happy!", but I can't because I don't even know if I am going to be happy when I finish typing this letter.

If your mate loves you then I am sure he/she would want you to be happy, even if they are not able to verbalize that.  That is the least you, or anybody deserves.   My mate has experienced so much in his life, that he basically allows me to rant and rave, ignoring most of the things I say until I become extreme in my choice of words and present with ideations or dangerous behaviors.  But he has the strength to do that.  If he didn't, he would be gone by now; he loves himself too much to allow me to drive him crazy or to the point of killing himself.

It would seem that all I can suggest is joint therapy with a therapist who specializes in dealing with BPD, leaving your mate and get your life back, or take the chance and stay with your mate hoping things will either improve or you may just have to wear an armor made of titanium to protect yourself from the onslaught of abuse you will receive.

I bet that really didn't help, but just my thoughts and opinions.

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