Disorder Email Volunteers:
Self-help is useful, but it is not a substitute for
professional assistance. Emotional and behavioral problems can
be debilitating and dangerous. Please seek professional
if you have thoughts of killing yourself or harming others;
if you feel depressed, anxious, guilty or down on yourself
if you are abusing substances;
if your performance or interpersonal relationships are
"We cannot, and are not, assuming the role of your
physician or therapist in any of our replies.
We also do not know your other medical problems and
psychiatric diagnoses, which usually has a dramatic effect on
medication (and other treatment) recommendations. You must
make a medical and treatment plan with your physician and
1) I am 50 years old, I am a French citizen and am living in South Africa where I was born. I have been married for 4 years to a 58 year old N from whom I have been separated as living with him is impossible. He is the "somatic" type par excellence, and says that he "no longer feels married to me". We are not divorced. I may be returning to the US at the end of the year and I suspect he expects that I will support him financially,etc. As a N, every day is a new day for him, and relationships can be "restarted" countless times as long as the partner involved asks forgiveness for the abuse that "he has suffered", and offers enough Narcissistic Supply to keep him interested. He seems to know this about himself, and says that "he knows no one else like himself" although I doubt whether he has any real idea of his disorder. He has been married countless times (may still be married to someone else for all I know), has had countless girlfriends (most of them at the same time) and really goes through females like people change shirts.He is concerned about "growing old alone and penniless" which is what he will be once his mother dies, with whom he is living at the moment. He is receiving Disability Benefits from the US Government which is too little for him to survive on on his own. I am currently writing a book but it is far from completed.
He writes to me once in a while in mono syllables.
I returned from the US on 16 November last year. I have lost everything I have, materially and financially, our foster son, my pets, as well as my self esteem in futile attempts to "make my husband love me", (this was before I realized what the problem
was), and now my ability to trust people and to want to be with people. I have become reclusive but things are looking up and this is truly a wonderful learning experience. The losses I have sustained will always hurt but things make more sense now and I am grateful that I am no longer in the US where I was at his mercy constantly.
Please use the email address: firstname.lastname@example.org
2) My name is Shae; I am 31 and was involved with a guy who had narcissistic personality disorder. I was in an ongoing roller coaster relationship with him for almost two years. The ride was under his control and he dictated when and where I would get off. During the time I was involved with him, it was emotionally exhausting. For months I thought there was nothing I could do to make him happy. I would take care of his daughter while he rode his motorcycle, I would tell him the things he wanted to hear, do some of the things he requested me to do and really try to make him happy. The problem came in when I was "defiant! " as he liked to put it.
I am 4 years old than him, however he constantly treated me as if he were my superior...my father...above me…not my equal partner. He always walked three steps ahead of me and constantly monopolized any conversation to be about himself. In the time we had been together, he knew hardly anything about me but claimed to know me better than I know myself.
"In the beginning" of the relationship he was very sensitive, thoughtful, smart, funny, charming, adorable, affectionate, silly, and fun. I thought I had finally found someone who had their life together. He was so different from my previous relationships which consisted of dependent boys looking for a mother. This guy was independent and strong. He relied on himself most of the time but seemed to have this sensitive side that he only showed to me. I felt special because he allowed me to see his vulnerable side. He seemed like the PERFECT guy!
After a short three to four weeks, he started to change. He became very demanding of my time and he chose where we would eat, hang out, what music we'd listen to, what movies we'd watch, and even when we'd go to bed. I rarely had a say and when I did, it was criticized. Little by little, everything he appreciated about me initially, he began tearing down. My house wasn't good enough, my music sucked, my parenting abilities were lacking (coming from a part time dad, every other weekend) because he felt I allowed my child to manipulate me and walk over me. He disliked two moles, one on each side of my waist and tried convincing me I should get them removed. The thought never crossed my mind, until he pointed! it out.
He said at my age, I should be making a lot more money than what I was, at least 50-60K/yr. He felt I was stagnant in my career because I've been with the same company for 11 years. (In various positions) He considered my furniture to be "traditional" and felt it would look better if it were of "modern" decor. I explained to him with pets and a child, that wasn't practical for me.
The little things soon turned into bigger things. He started calling me names, "are you really that stupid??!!" over something small that I just didn't understand at first and would ask for clarification. His favorite words to describe me or anyone for that matter are, annoying, frustrating, and irritating. He loved those words. When I would vary in my opinion from his, he would get very defensive. When I tried to stand up for myself when he was being overly dominating and insulting, it would cause bigger problems. He constantly would say, "I don't think things are working out," this would leave me with a feeling of panic and anxiety. I would wonder why something as small as me disagreeing with a minor top! ic, would cause such a quick decision to cut me out of his life. He constantly said this, but rarely followed though.
I often yearned to be loved, approved of, accepted, respected, and held by him. I constantly remember how he was in the beginning and think that was the "real him." I've tortured myself and have been emotionally train wrecked for the last year and a half and my self esteem dissipated. At the time when he left me for someone else…and then continued a sexual relationship with me while seeing her, I despised myself. I constantly wondered what is so great about this new girl that she's gained his approval and he puts her on a pedestal in my eyes but I couldn't make him happy. I would ask myself "What did I do wrong??!!" I used to cry myself to sleep at night wondering why he gets someone so fast to love
him when I lie here alone feeling broken and faulty.
If any of what I've described sounds familiar, email me if you’d like to talk through what you’re feeling if you’ve been involved with someone who has been diagnosed with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or if you suspect someone you love has