Domestic violence refers not only to physical abuse but also a pattern of controlling, manipulative, and dominating behaviors. These patterns can take different forms of physical, psychological, financial, or sexual abuse.
Recognizing the signs of abuse
Abuse can be subtle at first, making it hard to identify. Different forms of abuse include:
- Isolation – preventing somebody from seeing their friends or family, controlling where they go, and who they speak to.
- Emotional manipulation – constant criticism, humiliation, and making somebody doubt their memory or judgment (gaslighting).
- Financial control – restricting somebody’s access to money, forcing them to account for every expense, or sabotaging their work opportunities.
- Threat and intimidation – using fear to control a person by threatening to harm them or their loved ones, even pets.
- Physical harm – pushing, hitting, slapping, or restraining.
- Sexual abuse – pressuring or forcing sexual acts without consent.
- Stalking – any pattern of behavior intended to harass, annoy, or terrorize the victim. This can be in the form of repeated telephone calls or text messages, unwelcome letters or gifts, following somebody, or showing up at places they are known to frequent.
It is important to note that abuse often follows a certain cycle: tension builds, the abusive incident occurs, followed by a period of remorse and guilt. Then another abusive incident occurs, often worse than the previous one.
The abusive cycle in everyday life scenarios
The examples below aim to shed light on the complex realities of abuse. Domestic violence often wears many faces, some obvious, some hidden in everyday interactions.
Understanding these patterns is a crucial step in breaking the silence and finding help. When we name the abuse, we reclaim power over it.
The gradual shift
At first, your partner was loving and caring, showering you with affection. But as time went by, their affection turned into control. They demanded to know where you are at all times for “your safety”, restricted who you saw, and even dictated the way you dress. When you resisted, you were labeled “ungrateful”.
The kindness disappears, replaced by criticism and claims that you are “undeserving” of love. Because they once showed you tenderness, you doubt yourself and your judgment, trying harder to please them in order to regain their approval. This slow erosion of your confidence is emotional manipulation, a powerful way of keeping you under their control.
The cycle of control
One moment your partner is aggressive, shouting, breaking things, or threatening you. Next, they seem consumed by grief and remorse, apologizing profusely, providing you with affection and/or gifts, and promising it won’t happen again. The calm period is just a brief pause before the tension builds again and brings back the aggression, potentially escalating the level of abuse or violence each time it occurs.
This relentless cycle of abuse, remorse and false peace keeps you emotionally trapped by providing you with hope, while simultaneously, the fear never goes away. It’s a trap designed to wear down your emotional resilience and keep you hooked on the abuser’s control.
The financial trap
Your husband controls everything you both earn through a shared bank account you have no access to. They justify it as “looking out for you and your family”, but the reality is that you are cut off from financial independence.
Without access to money, leaving feels impossible. You feel trapped not just by your emotions, but by your survival needs as well, deepening the sense of helplessness.
Ending an abusive relationship safely
Leaving isn’t as simple as “just walking away”. Fear, financial dependence, cultural stigma, children, and emotional manipulation can make it extremely difficult to end an abusive relationship. Safety, both physical and emotional, must be the priority.
There are steps that can be taken before leaving to help you feel safer and more confident, despite the difficulty you may face:
- Acknowledge the abuse – understand that abuse is not your fault.
- Document incidents – keep a record of threats, injuries, or controlling behavior.
- Build a support network – confide in trusted friends, family, or a therapist.
- Create a safety plan – think through where to go, what essentials to bring, and how to leave.
- Use professional help – domestic violence advocates can be a connection to legal aid, shelters, and counseling.
Some abusers can become even more dangerous if they feel like they are losing control and being abandoned. In these cases, ending the relationship in person can increase the risk of retaliation you may face. Indirect methods, such as communicating through phone, email, or a trusted third party are often safer.
Once you leave, it’s often a good idea to update passwords, change daily routines, and take steps to keep your new location confidential. Legal measures, including restraining orders, custody arrangements, and police intervention can provide additional protection.
Even after leaving, the emotional impact of abuse can persist for a long time, which makes ongoing support (such as visiting counseling, support groups, or survivor networks) essential during the healing process.
Hotlines and resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline – call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text “START” to 88788 for 24/7 confidential help.
- Love is Respect (dating abuse support) – call 1-866-331-9474, text “LOVEIS” to 22522.
- RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline) – call 1-800-656-4673.
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) – education, advocacy, and survivor resources.
- Women’s Law – legal information and help for survivors, including restraining orders.
- Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) – U.S. Department of Justice.
